MUSIC
HIP HOP REVIEWS
18-05-2024 16:38 GMT
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| Music by indie artist, Chingy on YouTube | Spotify |
Chingy
"Nu Beginnings"
Hip Hop
Euphoria
I walked in on my boss shooting ping-pong balls out of her lady garden this morning. It was really awkward but she was very aloof about the whole thing. She said: “Ah it’s you, come on in and take a seat”. I entered cautiously, still trying to process what I had just seen or if I had in fact seen what I had just seen. There were ping-pong balls everywhere, so many; so I knew I wasn’t seeing things – I had definitely seen what I saw.
Hip Hop
Euphoria
I walked in on my boss shooting ping-pong balls out of her lady garden this morning. It was really awkward but she was very aloof about the whole thing. She said: “Ah it’s you, come on in and take a seat”. I entered cautiously, still trying to process what I had just seen or if I had in fact seen what I had just seen. There were ping-pong balls everywhere, so many; so I knew I wasn’t seeing things – I had definitely seen what I saw.
I generally don’t talk to other human beings because I’m way too intelligent for them to understand the words that are coming out of my mouth most of the time. Not all the time, but most of the time. 100% of the time I totally understand what they are saying but 50% of the time it’s sh*te and 50% of the other 50% of the time it makes absolutely no sense to me - I understand what they are saying, but it’s totally nuts to me. And I’m not anti-social, I promise. Like I said before, I’m just really intelligent.
If you think that’s the most annoying and arrogant thing you’ve ever heard a person say, you’d better stop reading now. That’s not the most arrogant thing I’ve ever said. In fact, I don’t think it’s arrogant at all and I think it's a little arrogant of you to think it's arrogant. I haven't always been like this, I’m not the same person I was when I started out as a writer. I’ve grown a lot and become a much better person. It's all thanks to my boss, the same lady who was shooting ping-pong balls out of her ... err ... her ... love tunnel.
You see, when I first started out I hated Everything and Everybody. It was a very general hate, not necessarily directed at anything or anyone specific - everything was just sh*t as far as I was concerned, and everyone sucked. I was really focused but people always wanted to talk – often about nothing. Before long everyone in the office was talking behind my back.
If you think that’s the most annoying and arrogant thing you’ve ever heard a person say, you’d better stop reading now. That’s not the most arrogant thing I’ve ever said. In fact, I don’t think it’s arrogant at all and I think it's a little arrogant of you to think it's arrogant. I haven't always been like this, I’m not the same person I was when I started out as a writer. I’ve grown a lot and become a much better person. It's all thanks to my boss, the same lady who was shooting ping-pong balls out of her ... err ... her ... love tunnel.
You see, when I first started out I hated Everything and Everybody. It was a very general hate, not necessarily directed at anything or anyone specific - everything was just sh*t as far as I was concerned, and everyone sucked. I was really focused but people always wanted to talk – often about nothing. Before long everyone in the office was talking behind my back.
My boss called me into her office one day. I went in and sat on the chair that had been prepared for me, opposite her desk. Right in front of me on the desk, there was a calendar and a jar of milk, carefully arranged so that it was the only thing I could see. She kept on typing on her computer and let me stare at them for a while. I could tell she wasn’t actually typing anything because she was peeking at me the whole time with her lips pressed together and her glasses hanging at the tip of her nose. She looked as though my presence disgusted her.
After a few minutes, she stopped typing and took off her glasses. And started to explain what I was looking at. She said: “You see… milk is good ... but after a few days it must go bad. That doesn’t change the fact that it’s good. People may suck sometimes, but it doesn’t change the fact that they’re still good people deep down inside, whether they know it or not.”
I’m lactose intolerant so that was a really bad analogy for me. Just last week I almost strangled my intern for bringing me a latte. But I totally got what she was saying nevertheless.
After a few minutes, she stopped typing and took off her glasses. And started to explain what I was looking at. She said: “You see… milk is good ... but after a few days it must go bad. That doesn’t change the fact that it’s good. People may suck sometimes, but it doesn’t change the fact that they’re still good people deep down inside, whether they know it or not.”
I’m lactose intolerant so that was a really bad analogy for me. Just last week I almost strangled my intern for bringing me a latte. But I totally got what she was saying nevertheless.
She went on to explain: “If your life sucks, and I know it does, now that you hate everything; have you ever wondered what it might be like if you flipped your attitude over on its head and approached things with love instead of resentment?”
I replied stubbornly: “that would be absolutely insane, why would I do that? I would do no such thing, just tell them all to leave me the f*ck alone and stop talking to me".
She stood up and sighed; frustrated and impatient. She walked over and gestured repeatedly while saying “stand up”. I stood up. I had never really noticed how much taller than me she was until then. I was eye to eye with her… em... her ... emm … bazookas (that’s her breasts). It was really uncomfortable because I was standing really close and trying not to look at them but they were pointing right at me. They were so perky and big. I suddenly got a whiff of baby powder and cigarettes; so I knew I was standing way too close. I got scared, as if she might have detected that I’d just accidentally sniffed her … em… her ... em … her fun sacks (that’s her breasts too). I quickly started to take a step backwards so I could look up at her face. All of a sudden she grabbed the back of my head and shoved my face right into her cleavage. I struggled frantically, I wasn’t sure what was happening, but after a few seconds my heart stopped racing and I realized nothing bad was actually happening, in fact it was all good. I’ve had many fantasies but I’ve never ever imagined anything that awesome. I relaxed completely. I felt like a baby again. There was a rapid influx of pleasant feelings into my entire body – love, peace, contentment, forgiveness, joy, thanksgiving, and a sense of release. I was relaxed, more relaxed than I had ever been my whole life. I guess her job was done - she let me go and pushed me away, saying: “You’d better not have enjoyed that. Now get out, I need a fag (that’s a cigarette - not a man 😊)”. I’ve never hated anyone since.
Fast forward 10 months; and I’m like Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan with a pen and a pad. I hit you with a left, hit you with a right, hit you with an uppercut and by the end of it all there’s so much bodily fluids in the air you’d think you were at a baby shower (that’s an orgy). Did you get it? Ladies getting showered with baby batter? I can’t believe I had to explain that. Okay buckle up now, we’ve got a long way to go; and I guarantee you I’ll make you squeeze that noodle of yours every step of the way.
See, there were a lot of things going on in my life when I first started out as a writer, and I had absolutely no control over what was happening to me. Every day it was a different story, and it was always a surprise. I never saw it coming and I never could have anticipated it – it was almost like magic, but bad magic. It was almost as if nothing good could ever happen in my life. But at least now I had learned to love. At least I was no longer quick to blame this person or that person for this event or that event. That was a win bigger than I had known at the time.
Fast forward 10 months; and I’m like Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan with a pen and a pad. I hit you with a left, hit you with a right, hit you with an uppercut and by the end of it all there’s so much bodily fluids in the air you’d think you were at a baby shower (that’s an orgy). Did you get it? Ladies getting showered with baby batter? I can’t believe I had to explain that. Okay buckle up now, we’ve got a long way to go; and I guarantee you I’ll make you squeeze that noodle of yours every step of the way.
See, there were a lot of things going on in my life when I first started out as a writer, and I had absolutely no control over what was happening to me. Every day it was a different story, and it was always a surprise. I never saw it coming and I never could have anticipated it – it was almost like magic, but bad magic. It was almost as if nothing good could ever happen in my life. But at least now I had learned to love. At least I was no longer quick to blame this person or that person for this event or that event. That was a win bigger than I had known at the time.
I went on to have several of such meetings with my boss, not just the one I mentioned. There were in fact 10. Each time she presented me with 2 items and at the end she had somehow taught me a lesson that changed my entire life for the better. Today was the 10th and final meeting, "the grand finale" as she called it. Hence, the ping-pong balls. But we'll talk about that a little bit later, or maybe in another article. And then you'll know why I was confident enough to say the arrogant things I said at the beginning of this article – so that you too can learn, and go on to say arrogant things to the people in your life, who you will no longer be able to engage in small talk with owing to your superior intelligence.
The following month, I was staggering into the office early in the morning after a late night out with my two good friends Mary and Jack. My head was still spinning a little bit so I was hoping I could just sneak into my office and nobody would talk to me.
I started to tiptoe past my boss’s office when the door opened suddenly. She was wearing a really low cut yellow top. My mind flashed back to our last meeting and I got severely aroused IMMEDIATELY. But she looked really stern, like I had done something wrong again. She gestured with one finger and said “come here”. I followed her into the office. She shut the door really hard and said: “Sit down”. I sat.
I started to tiptoe past my boss’s office when the door opened suddenly. She was wearing a really low cut yellow top. My mind flashed back to our last meeting and I got severely aroused IMMEDIATELY. But she looked really stern, like I had done something wrong again. She gestured with one finger and said “come here”. I followed her into the office. She shut the door really hard and said: “Sit down”. I sat.
She said: “Your writing sucks balls ... It’s terrible”.
I was hurt really bad because I literally thought I was at the top of my game at the time.
She continued: “What’s the key to success?”
I was still a little drunk so I scratched my head and just blurted out the first thing that came to my mind. I said: “Em, I don’t know? Eem, hard work?”
She exclaimed: “Jesus Christ! I’ve hired another moron!! Moron!!!”
She pointed at the items in front of me on the table, which I hadn’t noticed at the time, and said: “What’s that in front of you?”
It was a hammer.
She said “well don’t just look at it, pick it up. I’ve got stuff to do today don’t waste my time”.
Then she pointed at the item next to it and said: “What’s that?”
It was a really big wooden boat. There was a figurine of a man with a long white beard in front of it.
I said “I don’t know? A boat?”
She replied: “That’s Noah’s ark, can’t you see the man with the long white beard standing right in front of it?”
I said: “Oh, yeah” and nodded.
Then she said: “Now smash it”.
I replied: “What? No, I’m not smashing Noah’s Ark. Wouldn’t that be blasphemy or something?”
And she replied: “Oh my God, he’s a moron. He's really a moron. Gimme the hammer”
She rushed over to me angrily and grabbed it, then proceeded to smash the ark to pieces like a deranged person. I was a little bit scared. She went back to her seat. I didn’t know what to think. I looked at Noah. Noah was still standing but his head had been chopped off, everything else was in shambles.
She spoke angrily: “The secret to success is breaking all the rules. Find out what the rules are, and then break them, that’s how you get ahead - BE DIFFERENT, DEFY GRAVITY.”
I protested: “Wouldn’t that be illegal?”
She said: “Illegal?!”
She chuckled and replied: “Oh my God, you really are a moron aren’t you? I didn’t say break the law I said the rules”. She sighed again and then paused, as if to think for a second about whether she was wasting her time with me - as if I couldn’t be fixed. Then she looked at me as if she had given up, and said: “Get out”. I felt so hurt, like a total idiot; and a little tear came into the corner of my eye as I stood up to leave with my head down. She called me back, she said: “Wait”. I turned around, and she buried my head in-between her err… em … her … em … chesticles (that’s her breasts), for the second time. I was ecstatic! It totally cheered me up and made me feel like there was hope for me in the music industry. I vowed, without words, to make her proud.
By the third month my life had taken another turn. I woke up one day and got ready for work only to realise I hadn’t got a penny to my name. All my credit cards were maxed out and my bank account was empty. I didn’t have any money on my Oyster card either. I was still on probation so I had no choice but to call my boss and tell her I wasn’t going to be able to make it to work. I was so embarrassed but I picked up the phone anyway and called, and she picked up immediately.
She said: “Yuk, what are you doing on my phone?”
Just as I was about to start talking she quickly caught me off and said: “Look outside your window”.
I looked outside. It was her, she was parked outside my house. She was in a black Mercedes Benz G Wagon.
She said: “Hurry up boy, I can’t be seen in this disgusting neighbourhood”.
I ran down to the car and got in. I greeted her “good morning”.
She responded as she drove off without looking at me: “What's good about your morning? You suck - I'd bet it sucks”. She was right. There was total silence.
She drove really fast, almost like a crazy person, her eyes fixed fiercely on the road as if she was looking for something, or someone. There was a really shiny hair brush on the dashboard just in front of me. The hairs on it looked really thick and weird, and curled up. I tried to look away but I couldn’t stop looking at it. I also noticed that it still had the price tag on, even though it had clearly been used many times. When I looked a little closer at the tag I noticed it was priced in dollars, not British Pounds Sterling. I looked a little more closely to see how much it was. It was $8,000,000. I didn’t believe my eyes so I moved my head forward slightly and squinted. I was right, it literally cost $8,000,000.
She noticed me looking and said: “You like my brush?”
I said: “Yeah, it’s really shiny”.
She said: “Take it”.
I grabbed it immediately to look at the price tag even closer and yelled: “This brush cost 8 million?”
She replied: “No, it’s WORTH 8 million – it’s for my squish mitten (that’s her vagina)”
I cringed, I didn’t need to know that. I put it back on the dashboard really slowly; disgusted and confused.
We didn’t talk for the rest of the ride.
She stopped the car suddenly a few blocks away from the office and said: “Get out and walk, I can’t be seen with you”.
We didn’t talk for the rest of the ride.
She stopped the car suddenly a few blocks away from the office and said: “Get out and walk, I can’t be seen with you”.
I got out. She sped off.
By this time, she had secretly implanted 3 very vivid images in my mind that made me aware of very specific words every time I recalled them – the jar of milk and the calendar (love), Noah and the hammer (success), the hair brush and the price tag (self worth). She went on to plant 7 more, one every month. Each time she led or finished with something really arousing, sex related or extremely bizarre. Let's talk about them in my next article.
This article is titled "Euphoria" (look at the top of the browser window and you'll see. If you're on a mobile device then minimize or cascade the window and you'll see it). I'll call the follow up to this article "Euphoria Part II" to make it easier for you to find. I'll also make sure it follows this article in series so you can never miss it. Oh, and by the way it’s me “The Imagination Guy”. I’m sure you’ve heard of me. Good things I hope.
Okay let's do the music review of the day. You're gonna love it.
The song we are going to review is by an artist who needs no introduction. 20 million records sold, a Soul Train Music Award, 2 BillBoard Music Awards and 4 BillBoard Top 10 Hits; but most importantly, a signature vocal performance style that has NEVER been emulated or duplicated since it was created just over 20 years ago. Chingy’s new single “Nu Beginnings” was released to critical acclaim on the 19th of April and is available to stream and download on Spotify, YouTube, Apple Music, Tidal and all popular digital music streaming and download platforms.
The track is sensational, I was hooked from the first note. I’m a sucker for flutes, but an even bigger sucker for sonic textures. It’s got the best of everything a discerning hip hop fan would demand from a rap record. Unlike many of today’s hip hop releases, it sounds like it took a lot of time to produce and it sounds very artistic. The lyrics, the flows, the bounce, the overall vibe, the ambiance – all feel like they were meticulously crafted and then perfected over and over till the masterpiece revealed itself. It’s got a very urgent and relentless feel-good vibe about it. It seizes all of your attention and holds it tight until your mind explodes in ecstasy, plunging you into a deep state of euphoria so pleasant you’ll think Jesus is cumming. I literally had to pause for a second to catch my breath half way through the track. I haven’t done that for a very long time - what a rush.
This is BIG. This is HUGE. This is MASSIVE. This deserves the Number 1 spot on the BillBoard charts and should even win a Grammy. Let’s make it happen, the power is in your hands – yes, YOU. Start by adding it to all your top hip hop playlists and then share it with all your friends. Let’s go!
Explicit.
Explicit.
