Euphoria

MUSIC

HIP HOP REVIEWS

18-05-2024 16:38 GMT

Music by indie artist, Chingy on YouTube | Spotify

Chingy

"Nu Beginnings"
Hip Hop


Euphoria

I walked in on my boss shooting ping-pong balls out of her lady garden this morning. It was really awkward but she was very aloof about the whole thing. She said: “Ah it’s you, come on in and take a seat”. I entered cautiously, still trying to process what I had just seen or if I had in fact seen what I had just seen. There were ping-pong balls everywhere, so many; so I knew I wasn’t seeing things – I had definitely seen what I saw. 

I generally don’t talk to other human beings because I’m way too intelligent for them to understand the words that are coming out of my mouth most of the time. Not all the time, but most of the time. 100% of the time I totally understand what they are saying but 50% of the time it’s sh*te and 50% of the other 50% of the time it makes absolutely no sense to me - I understand what they are saying, but it’s totally nuts to me. And I’m not anti-social, I promise. Like I said before, I’m just really intelligent. 

If you think that’s the most annoying and arrogant thing you’ve ever heard a person say, you’d better stop reading now. That’s not the most arrogant thing I’ve ever said. In fact, I don’t think it’s arrogant at all and I think it's a little arrogant of you to think it's arrogant. I haven't always been like this, I’m not the same person I was when I started out as a writer. I’ve grown a lot and become a much better person. It's all thanks to my boss, the same lady who was shooting ping-pong balls out of her ... err ... her ... love tunnel. 

You see, when I first started out I hated Everything and Everybody. It was a very general hate, not necessarily directed at anything or anyone specific - everything was just sh*t as far as I was concerned, and everyone sucked. I was really focused but people always wanted to talk – often about nothing. Before long everyone in the office was talking behind my back. 

My boss called me into her office one day. I went in and sat on the chair that had been prepared for me, opposite her desk. Right in front of me on the desk, there was a calendar and a jar of milk, carefully arranged so that it was the only thing I could see. She kept on typing on her computer and let me stare at them for a while. I could tell she wasn’t actually typing anything because she was peeking at me the whole time with her lips pressed together and her glasses hanging at the tip of her nose. She looked as though my presence disgusted her. 

After a few minutes, she stopped typing and took off her glasses. And started to explain what I was looking at.  She said: “You see… milk is good ... but after a few days it must go bad. That doesn’t change the fact that it’s good. People may suck sometimes, but it doesn’t change the fact that they’re still good people deep down inside, whether they know it or not.”

I’m lactose intolerant so that was a really bad analogy for me. Just last week I almost strangled my intern for bringing me a latte. But I totally got what she was saying nevertheless. 

She went on to explain: “If your life sucks, and I know it does, now that you hate everything; have you ever wondered what it might be like if you flipped your attitude over on its head and approached things with love instead of resentment?” 

I replied stubbornly: “that would be absolutely insane, why would I do that? I would do no such thing, just tell them all to leave me the f*ck alone and stop talking to me". 

She stood up and sighed; frustrated and impatient. She walked over and gestured repeatedly while saying “stand up”. I stood up. I had never really noticed how much taller than me she was until then. I was eye to eye with her… em... her ... emm … bazookas (that’s her breasts). It was really uncomfortable because I was standing really close and trying not to look at them but they were pointing right at me. They were so perky and big. I suddenly got a whiff of baby powder and cigarettes; so I knew I was standing way too close. I got scared, as if she might have detected that I’d just accidentally sniffed her … em… her ... em … her fun sacks (that’s her breasts too). I quickly started to take a step backwards so I could look up at her face. All of a sudden she grabbed the back of my head and shoved my face right into her cleavage. I struggled frantically, I wasn’t sure what was happening, but after a few seconds my heart stopped racing and I realized nothing bad was actually happening, in fact it was all good. I’ve had many fantasies but I’ve never ever imagined anything that awesome. I relaxed completely. I felt like a baby again. There was a rapid influx of pleasant feelings into my entire body – love, peace, contentment, forgiveness, joy, thanksgiving, and a sense of release. I was relaxed, more relaxed than I had ever been my whole life. I guess her job was done - she let me go and pushed me away, saying: “You’d better not have enjoyed that. Now get out, I need a fag (that’s a cigarette - not a man 😊)”. I’ve never hated anyone since. 

Fast forward 10 months; and I’m like Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan with a pen and a pad. I hit you with a left, hit you with a right, hit you with an uppercut and by the end of it all there’s so much bodily fluids in the air you’d think you were at a baby shower (that’s an orgy). Did you get it? Ladies getting showered with baby batter? I can’t believe I had to explain that. Okay buckle up now, we’ve got a long way to go; and I guarantee you I’ll make you squeeze that noodle of yours every step of the way. 

See, there were a lot of things going on in my life when I first started out as a writer, and I had absolutely no control over what was happening to me. Every day it was a different story, and it was always a surprise. I never saw it coming and I never could have anticipated it – it was almost like magic, but bad magic. It was almost as if nothing good could ever happen in my life. But at least now I had learned to love. At least I was no longer quick to blame this person or that person for this event or that event. That was a win bigger than I had known at the time. 

I went on to have several of such meetings with my boss, not just the one I mentioned. There were in fact 10. Each time she presented me with 2 items and at the end she had somehow taught me a lesson that changed my entire life for the better. Today was the 10th and final meeting, "the grand finale" as she called it. Hence, the ping-pong balls. But we'll talk about that a little bit later, or maybe in another article. And then you'll know why I was confident enough to say the arrogant things I said at the beginning of this article – so that you too can learn, and go on to say arrogant things to the people in your life, who you will no longer be able to engage in small talk with owing to your superior intelligence. 

The following month, I was staggering into the office early in the morning after a late night out with my two good friends Mary and Jack. My head was still spinning a little bit so I was hoping I could just sneak into my office and nobody would talk to me.

I started to tiptoe past my boss’s office when the door opened suddenly. She was wearing a really low cut yellow top. My mind flashed back to our last meeting and I got severely aroused IMMEDIATELY. But she looked really stern, like I had done something wrong again. She gestured with one finger and said “come here”. I followed her into the office. She shut the door really hard and said: “Sit down”. I sat. 

She said: “Your writing sucks balls ... It’s terrible”. 

I was hurt really bad because I literally thought I was at the top of my game at the time. 

She continued: “What’s the key to success?” 

I was still a little drunk so I scratched my head and just blurted out the first thing that came to my mind. I said: “Em, I don’t know? Eem, hard work?” 

She exclaimed: “Jesus Christ! I’ve hired another moron!! Moron!!!” 

She pointed at the items in front of me on the table, which I hadn’t noticed at the time, and said: “What’s that in front of you?” 

It was a hammer. 

She said “well don’t just look at it, pick it up. I’ve got stuff to do today don’t waste my time”. 

Then she pointed at the item next to it and said: “What’s that?” 

It was a really big wooden boat. There was a figurine of a man with a long white beard in front of it. 

I said “I don’t know? A boat?” 

She replied: “That’s Noah’s ark, can’t you see the man with the long white beard standing right in front of it?” 

I said: “Oh, yeah” and nodded. 

Then she said: “Now smash it”. 

I replied: “What? No, I’m not smashing Noah’s Ark. Wouldn’t that be blasphemy or something?” 

And she replied: “Oh my God, he’s a moron. He's really a moron. Gimme the hammer” 

She rushed over to me angrily and grabbed it, then proceeded to smash the ark to pieces like a deranged person. I was a little bit scared. She went back to her seat. I didn’t know what to think. I looked at Noah. Noah was still standing but his head had been chopped off, everything else was in shambles. 

She spoke angrily: “The secret to success is breaking all the rules. Find out what the rules are, and then break them, that’s how you get ahead - BE DIFFERENT, DEFY GRAVITY.” 

I protested: “Wouldn’t that be illegal?” 

She said: “Illegal?!” 

She chuckled and replied: “Oh my God, you really are a moron aren’t you? I didn’t say break the law I said the rules”. She sighed again and then paused, as if to think for a second about whether she was wasting her time with me - as if I couldn’t be fixed. Then she looked at me as if she had given up, and said: “Get out”. I felt so hurt, like a total idiot; and a little tear came into the corner of my eye as I stood up to leave with my head down. She called me back, she said: “Wait”. I turned around, and she buried my head in-between her err… em … her … em … chesticles (that’s her breasts), for the second time. I was ecstatic! It totally cheered me up and made me feel like there was hope for me in the music industry. I vowed, without words, to make her proud. 

By the third month my life had taken another turn. I woke up one day and got ready for work only to realise I hadn’t got a penny to my name. All my credit cards were maxed out and my bank account was empty. I didn’t have any money on my Oyster card either. I was still on probation so I had no choice but to call my boss and tell her I wasn’t going to be able to make it to work. I was so embarrassed but I picked up the phone anyway and called, and she picked up immediately. 

She said: “Yuk, what are you doing on my phone?” 

Just as I was about to start talking she quickly caught me off and said: “Look outside your window”. 

I looked outside. It was her, she was parked outside my house. She was in a black Mercedes Benz G Wagon. 

She said: “Hurry up boy, I can’t be seen in this disgusting neighbourhood”. 

I ran down to the car and got in. I greeted her “good morning”. 

She responded as she drove off without looking at me: “What's good about your morning? You suck - I'd bet it sucks”. She was right. There was total silence. 

She drove really fast, almost like a crazy person, her eyes fixed fiercely on the road as if she was looking for something, or someone. There was a really shiny hair brush on the dashboard just in front of me. The hairs on it looked really thick and weird, and curled up. I tried to look away but I couldn’t stop looking at it. I also noticed that it still had the price tag on, even though it had clearly been used many times. When I looked a little closer at the tag I noticed it was priced in dollars, not British Pounds Sterling. I looked a little more closely to see how much it was. It was $8,000,000. I didn’t believe my eyes so I moved my head forward slightly and squinted. I was right, it literally cost $8,000,000. 

She noticed me looking and said: “You like my brush?” 

I said: “Yeah, it’s really shiny”. 

She said: “Take it”. 

I grabbed it immediately to look at the price tag even closer and yelled: “This brush cost 8 million?” 

She replied: “No, it’s WORTH 8 million – it’s for my squish mitten (that’s her vagina)” 

I cringed, I didn’t need to know that. I put it back on the dashboard really slowly; disgusted and confused.  

We didn’t talk for the rest of the ride. 

She stopped the car suddenly a few blocks away from the office and said: “Get out and walk, I can’t be seen with you”. 

I got out. She sped off. 

By this time, she had secretly implanted 3 very vivid images in my mind that made me aware of very specific words every time I recalled them – the jar of milk and the calendar (love), Noah and the hammer (success), the hair brush and the price tag (self worth). She went on to plant 7 more, one every month. Each time she led or finished with something really arousing, sex related or extremely bizarre. Let's talk about them in my next article. 

This article is titled "Euphoria" (look at the top of the browser window and you'll see. If you're on a mobile device then minimize or cascade the window and you'll see it). I'll call the follow up to this article "Euphoria Part II" to make it easier for you to find. I'll also make sure it follows this article in series so you can never miss it. Oh, and by the way it’s me “The Imagination Guy”. I’m sure you’ve heard of me. Good things I hope.

Okay let's do the music review of the day. You're gonna love it. 

The song we are going to review is by an artist who needs no introduction. 20 million records sold, a Soul Train Music Award, 2 BillBoard Music Awards and 4 BillBoard Top 10 Hits; but most importantly, a signature vocal performance style that has NEVER been emulated or duplicated since it was created just over 20 years ago. Chingy’s new single “Nu Beginnings” was released to critical acclaim on the 19th of April and is available to stream and download on Spotify, YouTube, Apple Music, Tidal and all popular digital music streaming and download platforms. 

The track is sensational, I was hooked from the first note. I’m a sucker for flutes, but an even bigger sucker for sonic textures. It’s got the best of everything a discerning hip hop fan would demand from a rap record. Unlike many of today’s hip hop releases, it sounds like it took a lot of time to produce and it sounds very artistic. The lyrics, the flows, the bounce, the overall vibe, the ambiance – all feel like they were meticulously crafted and then perfected over and over till the masterpiece revealed itself. It’s got a very urgent and relentless feel-good vibe about it. It seizes all of your attention and holds it tight until your mind explodes in ecstasy, plunging you into a deep state of euphoria so pleasant you’ll think Jesus is cumming. I literally had to pause for a second to catch my breath half way through the track. I haven’t done that for a very long time - what a rush. 

This is BIG. This is HUGE. This is MASSIVE. This deserves the Number 1 spot on the BillBoard charts and should even win a Grammy. Let’s make it happen, the power is in your hands – yes, YOU. Start by adding it to all your top hip hop playlists and then share it with all your friends. Let’s go!

Explicit.

Let's drink to this!

MUSIC

COUNTRY REVIEWS

15-05-2024 14:16 GMT

Music by indie artist, Afton Prater on Amazon Music | YouTube

Afton Prater

"Crack Song"
Country


Let's drink to this!

My boss caught me trying to take her kid’s lunch money today just before lunch time. It’s "bring your child to work" day here at the SRL Writers’ Room so it smells really annoying. I don’t hate kids, but they bring along with them all sorts of smells, and, well, it's annoying - to me at least. Smells distract me. Sweets, crisps, cakes, puberty, BO, poopoo, farts and even sweat. I mean who the f*ck you know sweats in 2024? This is BS!! 

Anyway, she was really furious because my hands were wrapped tightly around her kid’s neck and she was crying like a little sissy - what a woose. And it’s not like I needed the money or anything, I was just doing it to prepare her for the real world. To let her know that just because her mommy is rich, doesn’t mean she gets to do whatever the f*ck she wants to do without consequences. 

This wasn’t my first brush with the little twat. Wait can I call a kid that? Let’s move on quickly. The first time I met the little brat she was still in Pampers, and even then we didn’t get along. Every time I went to pick her mom up in the morning I had to drop her off at school too. She would leave my back seat dirty, with chocolate stains, crisps and all types of sticky things. One time, I looked under the back of my seat after dropping her off and I found a full diaper, nicely sealed and tucked away so that I would never have found it until it had started rotting, or, I accidentally stepped on it while playing hide and sex with one of my lady friends in the back seat. I was FURIOUS. I couldn’t believe a kid could be that sneaky. And what’s more, I couldn’t believe she knew how to change her own diaper and yet she had made me do it countless times and peed on my face every single time. That was the last straw. We’ve been going head to head ever since, every time her mom turns her back. 

To be honest with you this wasn’t the first time I took her lunch money and it won’t be the last. That little sh*t has peed on me so many times I started to side with R Kelly for a little while. When I found out she could change her own diaper, it was on! NOBODY PEES ON ME!! NOBODY!! You hear me?!!

Let’s get into this music review quickly before I explode.

This year has been such an exciting year in terms of indie music releases - for me at least. As someone who lives and breathes Indie, it’s been a pleasure to see and hear how independent music has evolved over the past couple of years, as far as quality is concerned - sonically and visually. I’ve heard many amazing records in the past that might have even made it onto the BillBoard charts, but unfortunately you’ll never hear them owing to poor quality and/or production. And when I say many, I mean MANY. Even though we only promote indie artists, we still require that the records we promote meet certain standards in terms of audio quality and production, especially because we also have to submit the songs we promote for radio airplay. Because you’re so awesome, I’ll give you access to one of our secret Soundcloud playlists, which features 10 tracks that I guarantee you’ve never heard and you would want to add to every single one of your Spotify, Apple Music, Amazon Music or Tidal playlists. Sadly, it would be impossible – like a T-rex trying to masturbate. He-he-he. What you could do though, is reach out to the artists and encourage them to release them on Spotify or whatever platform you use to stream music. [Listen Here - this is my "smoking songs" playlist - and don't share it with anybody please]

The track we are about to review is exciting for more reasons than one, but we’re not going to explore any of those reasons because I want to have ample time to pack up my boxes and resign before my boss gets the chance to fire me and put a nasty stain my spotless clean Curriculum Vitae. By the way if anyone asks you if I've ever been the Mayor of London say yes okay? 😁 I’ve written the resignation letter already and given it to the receptionist at HR. I’ve instructed her to deliver it once she hears the sound of my whistle. I’ve also instructed her not to make any TikTok videos until further notice to make sure she’s fully alert. And yes, I’ve got a whistle in my mouth right now. Okay I’m lying, it’s a harmonica, but whatever. I mean where the f*ck would I get a whistle from? I’m not even a PE teacher. 

I love songs about drugs so I was really excited when I heard the title of this track. I wasn’t disappointed at all, even though it wasn’t about “crack”. Just to be clear, I don’t do crack, I’ve never done it, and I’m generally drug free. It’s about the “crack” you hear when you crack open a can of beer apparently. A very simple concept but a great track. This will make a great addition to my “drinking songs” playlist. And yes, I actually have music playlists on YouTube, SoundCloud and Spotify called “Drinking Songs” and I only add, well, drinking songs to them - obviously. I’m adding this right now. 

Afton Prater’s “Crack Song” has a really organic feel-good vibe about it. It’s Morgan Wallen light, if that makes sense to you. It’s country pop meets Bloodhound Gang (minus the sexual innuendos). Not sure if you’ve heard of that 1992 rock band. They made rock n’ roll as well as rock n’ rap but it sounded like there was a little bit of hip hop in there even when there was no rapping, no boom bap or a single hip hop element – just a subtle, barely detectable vibe reminiscent of hip hop that made the song totally pop. I got that subtle, barely detectable vibe from “Crack Song”. My ears are really special so you might not get what I’m saying but check out this song titled "Fire Water Burn" by Bloodhound Gang after listening to “Crack Song” and then listen to “Crack Song” again. If you understand what I’m saying, your ears may be special too. “Fire Water Burn” was my best song a long while ago when I fell in love with Mary Jane. Unfortunately, about a year after we started dating there was a shortage of regular weed in London. You know, the type that gives you the munchies and makes you notice tiny little things that you wouldn't ordinarily pay attention to 😆. And then came the Skunk epidemic. It was a wild and unforgettable time. I got so paranoid I literally believed all my friends were enemies, so I spent the whole semester in my room and only came out at night time when everybody was sleeping. One day I returned to my room late around 4:00 AM and this purple Bloodhound Gang CD with a weird symbol on it was sitting on the floor right in front of my door. I picked it up, put it in my Sony 3 CD changer in-between 50 Cent's "Get Rich or Die Trying" and Styles P's "Gangster and a Gentleman", and pressed play. “Fire Water Burn” slowed my brain down considerably - a much needed change that somehow made me see things a lot more clearly. I quickly realised that... maybe... there wasn’t actually a regular weed shortage. Maybe ... I was just looking in all the wrong places 😊. I was right. Before long, I was back to my old self – calm and collected, without a care in the world; and hungry enough to eat up everything in your refrigerator. Okay I’ve said too much, I'm getting flashbacks. 

Just hit the play button below already and share it with all your friends. You can also listen to my “drinking songs” playlist on YouTube [here]. I’ve added “Crack Song” right at the top. 

It's Too Late ...

MUSIC

R&B REVIEWS

13-05-2024 20:44 GMT

Music by indie artist, Crystal Starr on YouTube | Spotify

Crystal Starr

"Too Late"
R&B


Good pop

As usual, before we get started with the music review of today, I’ve got some things I need to get off my chest. And yes, they’re real. Thanks for noticing; eyes up here please. Thank you. 

It's me, “Lady Jesus” by the way; in case you were wondering. I recently changed my pen name from “The Jesus Lady”. “Lady Jesus” sounds so much more exciting. But don’t let the name confuse you, I’m not very Jesus-ey at all. In fact, just this morning on my way to work, I didn’t feel like paying for gas like all the other suckers in line. So just before I was about to pay I dropped my keys on the floor and bent over to pick them up the way only a total slut would, looked back at it sensually and then had a little nip slip on purpose while I was getting back up. By the time I was done putting my boobies back in my top, two guys I recognised from the office building next door to mine were fighting each other to pay my bill. I let them fight and left.

When I got into the office there was a note from one of my colleagues on my desk. His name is “The Imagination Guy”, you might have heard of him. He’s the most annoying guy in the world, I promise you. If you think you’ve ever met the most annoying person in the world, multiply that by 1,000 and they still wouldn’t be nearly as annoying as this guy.  

The first time I knew he was a total douche bag, he was in a meeting with me and he kept on rushing through the whole thing and saying he had to go somewhere. Finally, we were done and I started to exit his office. As I left, I apologised for taking up so much of his time and delaying him; but I noticed he wasn’t getting up, or going anywhere. He was just watching me back away towards the door, and I could sense he was also waiting for me to turn around so he could get a glimpse of my, you know, my tushy. He was - I saw him through the reflection in the glass door as soon as I turned around. He even made that mouth and face that creepy guys make (like he had just eaten something spicy). But I noticed he still wasn’t getting up. I closed the door and waited outside his office for 10 good minutes. I even peeped a few times to see what he was doing. He hadn’t moved. I was totally steamed. I couldn’t believe I had wasted 10 minutes on that douche. As I walked away, my mind just couldn’t let it go. I started to go back angrily to confront him about it and give him a piece of my mind, then I got the idea to call his office line to see what he'd say. So I did. To my amazement he picked 

up the phone, and what he said completely blew a gasket inside me. He said, “I’m not in the office right now, I had to go somewhere quickly. I’ll be back in like 30 minutes”. 

The second time I realized how much of a douche bag “The Imagination Guy” really was, he was rushing out of the elevator at The Shard and I was going in. He was in hurry. He said “Hey, how’s everything going? Don’t care, can’t talk, I’ve gotta be somewhere, see you later Perky”. I was so angry he called me Perky that I tried to leave the elevator to go and smack him; and I bumped my head really hard into the closing door. I had a quick glass of wine for lunch and went straight back to the office because I had so much to do. I had forgotten all about it – that’s what happens when I drink wine, that’s why I do it in fact. Everyone was still at lunch when I got back, so everywhere was really quiet. But as I walked past “The Imagination Guy’s” office, I noticed his light was on and he was in there, despite the fact that just a few minutes ago he said he was rushing somewhere. Again, he was just sitting. He wasn’t moving or doing anything important, just sitting there. I decided to leave him alone because I was really tipsy. All I wanted to do was put my hand bag away, grab a cigarette and smoke it like I had just had sex; then get back to work. 

The third time I verified "The Imagination Guy" was way past douche status was this afternoon. We had an actual fight and I hurt him really bad. He deserved it, I promise. Let me explain. He'd left a voice message on my phone asking me to meet him to discuss some important things first thing after lunch. There were deadlines to be met and I also had things to do, so I rushed back from lunch earlier than normal in order to have plenty of time. I dropped my handbag in my office and rushed over to his. Bear in mind that at the time I received his message I was on my second glass of wine and I was totally gagging for a fag (that's a cigarette in the UK, just to be clear). I got to his door, but as I was about to knock I noticed the light was off and there was a note on the door. The note said: “Be right back. See receptionist if urgent”. As I walked away in a haste to take care of all the other important things I had to do, a little reflection from inside the dark office caught my attention and I took a quick glance backwards as I walked away, thinking nothing of it. But something told me to look again. So I walked back and looked closer at “The Imagination Guy’s” desk. I kid you not, he was right there – sitting in the dark. The reflection I saw was a glare from his glasses. I was furious. By this time I had already had it with him. He had already pushed me to boiling point and I wasn’t in control of my anger anymore. I kicked off my high heels like Patti LaBelle and charged towards the door. I was about to kick it in but, it’s a glass door – it would've shattered and hurt me really bad – not like in the movies. That made me even more furious. I had to restrain myself, turn the handle and push it open really angrily but in a controlled way. I felt silly walking back to get my shoes first, and I didn’t want the anger to wear off; so I walked in with bare feet. I was furious and steaming. I said angrily: “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU MAN?” He replied - aloof: “You walk into my office bare feet with the lights off, breasts hanging out and skirt riding up; smelling like Sauvignon Blanc, baby powder and whisky at 2 PM on a Monday. And you're asking what's wrong with me? What the f*ck is wrong with you? You're not some sort of weird, freaky, alcoholic sex maniac are you? 'Cos I'd totally dig that. Better close the door quickly before somebody sees. And come over here and sit on my laps; I know what you need. ”

I looked at the metal folding chair opposite his desk, and I knew I only had to fold it and whack him over the head with it a few times to wipe that smirk off his stupid face. But again, I reminded myself that this wasn’t a movie – I would break ALL my nails, my boobies would pop out of my very low cut top (and I have a strict no bra policy on Mondays). I would lose my job, possibly get sued, and all types of things could happen. So I sat on the chair instead and gathered my composure. I was still bare feet so I felt really silly at this point.

He leaned over his desk with crossed arms and a really stern look on his face, and said to me in a really sinister voice (the lights were still off): “You know you could have hurt me really bad with that folding chair. The doctors said if it was even half an inch to the left I might have needed surgery”. By this time we were locked in eye to eye and I couldn’t tell whether it was the wine but I was getting a little sleepy and my head was spinning slightly. I even started to get soaked a little bit to be honest and my nipples were starting to take form, if you know what I mean - my body was confused for God’s sake, what can I say! 

For the first time, he started to speak to me like an actual human being. He made eye contact and he actually smiled – and not a pitiful smile like the one you would use when talking to a child who still believes in Santa Clause, but an actual smile; almost like I was all of a sudden real to him or something. It was really weird. 

My voice trembled a little bit because I was feeling things that weren’t necessarily pleasant and all I wanted to do was get the f*ck out of that weirdo’s office, grab my shoes and run away. I started to ask him, “What chair?”, because I had literally forgotten that I had imagined hitting him with the folding chair that I was now sitting on only a few minutes ago. He stopped me and said to me: “I’ve been having a really stressful time here in the city, so many times during each day, I have to go to my happy place to get happy before anyone can try to piss me off or stress me out – I’m so happy right now that if you pulled that yellow thong of yours to the side and sh*tted on my desk I wouldn’t even be mad at you – that’s how happy I am. And that’s why I’m always going somewhere every time you see me – to my happy place”. 

Then he continued, saying: “… but guess what? “ 

At this point it was as if I was hypnotised. I felt a deep sense of euphoria and relaxation for no reason – I was just happy. When I get really relaxed sometimes, I start to feel like I need to make poo poo but I can usually hold it for long if I can get some farts out quickly. It started to happen, so I lifted one of my cheeks off the seat slightly, and let one loose. He didn’t move an inch but all of a sudden I noticed he wasn’t leaned over his desk anymore, his back was on the backrest of his seat and he was leaning way backwards, as if he had seen it coming. Then I remembered what he said about “if I sh*tted on his desk, blah blah blah”, and about my yellow thong. How did he know my thong was yellow? Did he know I would get gas? So many things were going through my mind. But all of a sudden I didn’t want to escape from this creepy weirdo anymore, I started to feel really comfortable. Then he continued: “ … Welcome to my happy place. I invited you here because you are really sad deep down inside. Every time I look at your new Armani skirt suit, your new Louis Vuitton shoes, yet another new pair of Versace sun shades and your new limited edition Prada bag or whatever designer is trending at the time, I think to myself how happy you’ll never be if you continue to seek happiness on the outside. It makes me sick. And it f*cks up my whole day, every day”. He continued: “You see, our minds can never meet because I’m way too far advanced. But when your time comes and you too advance along the path, I will conquer you”. And then he added the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard. He said: “I’ve made you happy, now go to your office and take off your garments”. All of a sudden it felt creepy and yukky again. I covered my breasts even though they were not exposed. He said: “Take this special gift, it’s more expensive than anything you’ll ever own. I forgive you”. I put my hand out to receive the gift but he just got up, walked over to the light switch, turned the light on and opened the door. I pouted and walked out without making eye contact, still covering my breasts. I grabbed my shoes and walked back to my office. 

When I sat in my office chair to write this article, a sudden sense of clarity overwhelmed me. Something had changed inside me, and I suddenly understood everything "The Imagination Guy" had said and everything he meant from start to finish. I closed all the blinds and locked the door. I took off all the designer clothes that had made me so happy for so long, my shoes, my wrist watch, my necklace, my bracelet, my ankle bracelet, my other necklace, my other bracelet, my tongue ring, my nose ring, my ear rings, my nipple rings, and my belly button ring. The only things I had left on me were the 12 diamond encrusted studs on my … err… my ... umm... my "Dua Lipa" (that’s my vagina). They're the most expensive fashion accessories I wear that are not fashion accessories at all. I can sense you are eager to know why so I’ll tell you. You see, I like to wear really short skirts. But I also like to drink and party all the time. The 12 diamond studs I wear are fitted backwards. That means I’ve got 12 diamond encrusted spikes on the inside of my, err… "Dua Labia". Not just to prevent anyone from breaking into my, err… "house" (that’s my vagina too) but also to prevent them from leaving. I know – Ouch! Right?

I know all the ladies reading this really feel me on that one. But before you go rushing down to your local cheap ass piercing and tattoo parlour, I must warn you that this was a custom job tailored to the specific shape and size of my, err… my "lady lips". If done improperly, you’d have to walk like a man – like you’ve got two big wrecking balls and a pendulum in between your thighs – and nobody would want you anyway, so it would be pointless. Let’s move on.

But what was the gift “The Imagination Guy” spoke of and why did he not give me anything?

The whole incident was just too weird and complicated, so I thought to myself: “Fuck that guy”. 

Then I took a deep breath and, just as I was about to close my eyes my phone rang. It was my new intern. She’s been late every single day since I hired her. She always has an excuse and she says it with confidence while looking me straight in the eye each time. It's always somebody else's fault, never hers. You see, normally I would take pleasure in yelling at her: “Where the f*ck have you been??” Or “What f*cking time were you supposed to be here??” Or my favourite: “What time is it in your blissful f*cking universe??”. It’s my favourite because she never gets it. It’s from the old saying: “Ignorance is bliss”. It’s my way of calling her ignorant. I even gave her the nickname “Bliss” and she ran with it and uses it as her rap name now, he-he-he. What a knucklehead. Anyway, it occurred to me that maybe I had taken so much pleasure in yelling at her for being late that it made me happy and I in fact looked forward to it every day. So essentially, I was somehow subconsciously making her late. But it was different today, maybe because she couldn’t hear me breathing angrily over the phone and hitting the telephone receiver on the table many times furiously or in the case of video calls, grabbing the computer monitor and shaking it furiously – I was totally chilled and silent as I waited for her excuse. She didn’t seem as confident but nevertheless, she had an excuse. She said: “I’m sooooo sorry I’m late again but it wasn’t my fault; my dog got hit by a cat”... She meant to say “hit by a car”. I said to her: “Just take the day off”, and hung up the phone. I couldn’t believe I was so chilled. I put my head on the headrest of my chair for the first time and then my eyes closed slowly. 

The insane words of “The Imagination Guy” replayed in my head: 

“I’m so happy right now that if you pulled that yellow thong to the side and sh*tted on my desk I wouldn’t even be mad at you – that’s how happy I am. That’s why I’m always going somewhere every time you see me - to my happy place”.

I chuckled, I’ve never chuckled before. The whole experience started to seem funny and I saw everything that had occurred slightly differently in my head - like I was watching a TV drama or something. I saw my whole life flash before my eyes, and I realised how angry and miserable I had become deep down inside over the past few years. I had so many opinions and reservations about so many things and so many people, and none of them mattered even the slightest bit. I’d spent days and nights doing squats to make my butt tighter and tighter, with amazing results, but I didn’t realise that my mind was balled up tighter than a fist. I imagined a tightly closed fist unclenching in my mind and when it opened fully it revealed a large glowing ball shining brighter than the sun, getting brighter and brighter till I was blinded inside my own mind and consumed by the light. For some reason I struggled and I felt like I couldn’t leave for a moment, then I realised all I had to do was open my eyes. I opened my eyes, and then I took many deep breaths, like one would do after a weird dream. It felt like I had travelled a thousand miles away, yet I hadn’t moved. Everything was slightly blurred, as if I had just woken up from a deep sleep. Then my eyes cleared and I blurted out these words, like a crazy person: “I forgive you”. Those were the exact last words of “The Imagination Guy” before I left his office. That was his gift to me – the unclenching of the fist - the forgiveness of the people of the world for being such f*cking douche bags, the forgiveness of myself for not achieving my goals as quickly as I wanted, and the forgiveness of God for letting it be so. I suddenly remembered I was completely naked. I jumped up and put all my clothes back on and wondered what the f*ck had just happened. Then I got back to work.

I grabbed the CD on my desk that had been placed there by those pesky A&R guys for me to review, hit the play button, and now we are about to get right to the music review. So let’s do it. And yes, I still have a CD player. I’ve even got a cassette player too. I don’t f*ck with Spotify, but maybe all that will change after today, since I’m not angry at the world anymore. I might even use Chat GPT and make a health drink using AI. Just kidding – I will NEVER use AI. F*ck that! I’m perfectly content with the services and results of my real brain. The last thing I need is something thinking for me – I don’t even let PEOPLE think for me, I make my own decisions - f*ck everybody! Oh wait, I forgot, I forgave you all. I take that back 😊. “Phew!! Deep breaths, deep breaths, deep breaths”.

Okay let’s do the music review now. You are totally ready. You're gonna love this track. 

Just in case you are here for the first time, I’d like to welcome you but also inform you that we don’t f*ck around with throwaway music here. We do exactly that with “throw away” music, we throw it away. I must confess I have way too many CDs in my trash can right now though. Some of them deserve to be in there and some of them don’t. Others, I couldn't decide; so I put them in there too - I generally like to stay away from anything that creates doubt or uncertainty in my mind. The main one at the top of the pile is “The Tortured Poets Department”. I’ve never listened to Taylor Swift. I know you think that’s impossible but it’s true. And sometimes, to be honest I hope I never have to. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying she sucks – I’m just saying I’ve never been compelled to listen to a Taylor Swift song, or had any reason to do so. I’ve never listened to Justin Bieber, Drake, Kendrick Lamar or J. Cole either. Cardi B? NEVER! I’ve listened to one Nicky Minaj song though – the one with the MC Hammer beat. But all their latest CDs are in my trash can right now regardless 😊. I like that Steve Lacy song “Bad Habit”. I listened to a little Ice Spice the other day and it was cool – but only one song, the rest of the CD was annoying. It was like listening to the same song over and over again, remixed by AI or someone who didn't realise that's what it sounded like. It almost made me sick. I’ve got 2 extra trash cans on reserve for all Katie Perry’s future releases. But again I’m not saying she sucks, I just disliked that “I kissed a girl” song so much that I never wanted to ever hear another Katie Perry track. 

I hope I haven’t hurt any established mainstream artists’ feelings with my words, I totally meant to. Just kidding, he-he-he. To be honest, I doubt that any new mainstream artist that came out during the past year could satisfy me musically either. With all the sex music playing on the radio today, many new mainstream artists have a better chance of giving me an orgasm than an eargasm. And anyone who has ever tried knows – that’s a pretty big task in itself, so they should consider it a win. In fact, the last time my boyfriend saw me "melt" (that means cum), I saw a single tear roll down his cheek – a happy tear. So f*ck listening to all that porn music, I’ve got 16 vibrators and a boyfriend in every office building within a 10 mile radius so, when I turn on the radio you can bet your last penny I don’t wanna hear about anybody’s stretched out, vinegar needing vaginas and dirty butt plugs (please). By the way, I'm totally not a slut, I promise. Very few people have physically seen those 12 diamond encrusted studs I told you about earlier. In fact, I haven't taken them out for many days.  

Now where were we? 

Ah yes, my musical tastes. 

I’m not old, but one of the most exciting songs I’ve heard recently was “I’m Your Puppet”, by James & Bobby Purify. The track was released back in 1966 under the Universal Music Group imprint. Here’s a link, so you can get an idea of how I would have to feel after listening to a song to say it was really good. I only need to listen to the first 10 seconds of this track to get lifted. 20 seconds of it and I’m already in heaven. 30 seconds and I’m sprawled out on my office floor like a child making snow angels and floating away to my holiday home. 

To be honest with you, I never really like to tell people why I like a song when I write a review. What if I told you the first time I heard this track I pictured doing something you'd never do? Or feeling some way you'd never feel? That would be pointless because you probably wouldn't even bother listening would you? I wouldn't. Instead, I make my readers realise that there isn’t a chance in hell of me writing a review about a song or album I don’t like. It baffles me when I see people spend precious time talking about things they hate when there isn’t enough time in the world to talk about all the amazing things there are to love. I stumbled upon a post on Instagram yesterday that had me itching to comment but I had to restrain myself harder than a 13 year old boy watching his first hip hop music video. Luckily I've mastered the art of self control and I practice everyday. The video was at least one minute long. It was Tiffany Haddish saying something about people who supposedly dislike her and don’t want her to succeed. This was apparently right before she was about to go on stage. I couldn’t believe anyone would take a whole minute out of their day to address people who don't like them. I have long advocated for a Dislike button on Instagram, but no one is listening. 

Now that you know the song you are about to listen to is nothing short of a classic that you must add to every single one of your Spotify, Apple Music, YouTube and Tidal playlists, I really don’t feel the need to say any more about it, but let’s keep going. The first thing I like about the new song by rising Los Angeles, US singer Crystal Starr is that it makes sense all the way through. The lyrics, the production, the instrumentation, performance style and even the music video all fit nicely together to paint the same picture; and everything is exactly where it needs to be. It's a breakup song about a frustrated lady who has had enough. The mare fact that I could tell you what it was about in one short sentence by the 30th second of the track is another plus. It's simple and straight to the point. 

What made this song even more special for me was that I’ve been listening to Crystal Starr since she made her debut over a decade ago with songs like “Barracuda”, “Bang, Bang” and “Payback”. She had a retro pop sound back then, and has moved slowly and gracefully towards a more contemporary pop sound over the years. She has managed to do it without sacrificing any artistic integrity. Everything she creates is still original, fresh and meaningful. I don’t know if she writes her own songs but she performs them like she does. Everything feels so real and natural, not choreographed like a, well, “puppet”. 

... for anyone who has never owned a CD player

MUSIC

HIP HOP REVIEWS

18-04-2023 13:13 GMT

Music by indie artist, Yung Rackz on Apple Music | Spotify

Yung Rackz

"Back In The Day"
Hip Hop




If you haven’t been here before; welcome to one of the dirtiest places on the internet right now after Porn Hub, MTV and literally any hip hop music website. But no, there is no ass eating, or calling b*tches hoes, or thong wearing, or unscrupulous flinging of dry faecal matter in the air (oops!! I mean twerking). It’s tastefully dirty, almost even classy. Kind of like Madonna, or Marilyn Monroe - but definitely not like Kim Kardashian at all, or Cardi B - yuk, yuk, yuk. 

To cut a long story short, this isn’t your regular music review website and if you're sensitive your feelings will get really hurt really fast. If you’ve never been here before you should probably leave right now, but that’s entirely up to you. Actually I think you can just head over here and read my previous article which was titled Jesus, P*ssy and Dollars and then decide if you would like to stay or not. Even my closest colleagues are still campaigning to have me removed from the SRL writers room for it. 

Okay I see you've decided to stay - ballsy, but cool. Let's do this! 

On Monday I had the weirdest, most uncomfortable meeting I’ve ever had in my life. I don’t embarrass easily but this was super awkward. I’m hoping the people involved read this so they can get a good understanding about what actually happened because no one addressed the elephant in the room even though we all couldn't stop looking at it throughout. 

Here’s what had happened. My boss has got this really annoying toddler. She strolls around in her Ferrari baby walker thingy demanding juice and barging in unexpectedly when I’m playing "Call Of Booty (wink, wink)"  with her mommy in the night (and in the mornings too sometimes). Wait, did I also tell you my girlfriend is my  boss? Yep, it’s pretty awesome. You should try it. In fact, I just got a pay rise. Anyway, the little twat has done a lot of crazy stuff in the past but nothing tops what happened on Monday morning while I was making brownies (💩). She badged into the toilet like the police telling me she had run out of juice or she needed a nappy change or something. I was so pissed off on my way out to work I locked the wheels of her stroller, knocked over her stupid Sippy cup and took her last diaper. The look on her face when I took the diaper was priceless. She immediately knew - she was totally screwed. I forgot I had it in my pocket and I took it to work. I arrived at the office in a haste and while reaching for my USB key I found it and just tossed it on the table with some other stuff that was in my pocket, thinking nothing of it. Shortly after, there was a knock on the door. It was time for my 9 o’clock meeting with some big shot editors who apparently came to discuss ways in which I could make my writing more family-friendly and less, well, less “offensive to so many people”, as they put it. I had told them to come in and sit down before noticing that there was a pink diaper with Barbie pictures all over it right on my desk beside my cup of morning whisky (oops!! I mean coffee), and there was a 12 pack of ribbed condoms right on top of it – it was in my pocket too when I reached for my USB key thingy. What can I say? I like to be prepared. 

My first thought was to immediately grab them both and toss them in a draw or under the table before starting the meeting but I did the wrong thing and hesitated to think a little bit first. And in that moment all our eyes met and we could all tell we were all wondering why the f* there was a f*cking diaper on the table with condoms, and a vibrating cock ring, and plenty lube. Oh wait, didn’t I mention those other items before? My bad. Yep, like I said before, I like to be prepared – don’t judge me, I bet you’ve got weird stuff in your pocket right now too. To cut a long story short we ended up doing the whole meeting without mentioning anything about the items on the table. They had a look on their faces like they could have really used an explanation by the end of the meeting but I didn’t know what to say so I said absolutely nothing. To be honest I really didn’t GAF but I felt like they really did so I wanted to help, I just couldn’t. When I was a newbie at SRL, eager to impress everyone, I probably would have come up with something clever or even witty to say, and it would have been amazing. But not nowadays, now that I’ve discovered it’s damn near impossible to impress anyone in the world. In fact I suspect it’s absolutely impossible. You try, and let me know how it goes. You’ll see. Do something really amazing and see how many dead faces you’re met with – everyone looks like Dua Lipa now. By the time people are nine years old nowadays they’ve seen the whole world, future technologies up to 50 years in advance, all history; they know everything about space, where to find Jesus, the best way not to get there, 50 ways to get away with sinning, how to never do homework, what your penis or vagina looks like, what it will look like 50 years from now, how to get rid of it if you don't want it, everything about sagging breasts, how to milk a cow without getting twice more aroused than you would normally get while squeezing breasts (since there are 4, not just 2), how to reach the sun without getting sunburn (by going at night obviously), how to make money without doing anything, how to get higher than you've ever been your entire life, how to drink without driving (Uber obviously), how to eat p*ssy till you burp… the list goes on. So forget about it, that’s what I’ve done and it’s working pretty well for me. My philosophy now is “if you think I’m sh*t, that’s your business – I’ll make my best poopoo every time and serve it to you with a smile”. I’m starting to suspect the only way left to impress anyone now is to literally blow yourself up live on TikTok while everyone is dancing. Surely that should get a few reactions – but no facial expressions, reverence or respect; just maybe a few mutual nods with pressed lips. I felt like I should tell you that so you know I didn’t even try while being so amazing throughout the course of this article. I can tell you’re loving it, and it gets better. 

When SRL approached me and offered me this awesome job my first reaction was: “You want ME to work for YOU? Do you really know what you’re asking? Or is this just another one of those scenarios where at the end of it all I tell myself God must be playing a trick on me again?”

I mean SRL is a pretty huge deal but I’m me, I’m not one of those guys who just wakes up early in the morning and turns up to work EVERY SINGLE DAY like I’ve got nothing else to do. To be honest with you I don’t even know why I came in today. I was f*cking, and then I decided to take a walk and have a cigarette, and then one thing led to another and I’m here now. So I thought, “what the heck, they’ve been asking me to review a song from this big ass pile of CDs and tapes, why not!”. So here it goes… 

And by the way, this is not gonna be one of those music reviews where I tell you how amazing the song is, give you all the producer and songwriter credits, tell you all the chords that were played and analyse every single one of them; and then you hit play and you f* off – I’m not a prostitute m-kay? We’re gonna discuss it, have a conversation, have a few laughs here and there, and then see where it goes from there. There isn’t gonna be any “wham bam thank you mam” sort of scenario here like all those other desperate music blogs that beg you to listen and share and then ask you to buy them a cup of coffee after. When you’re f*cking with me, you’re f*cking with the best! (“Scarface voice”) M-kay? This is more than just another music review. In fact if you make it to the end of this article I bet you your life would have changed. And then, you’ll hit the play button, and be totally blown away by the amazing record we’re about to talk about. 

I feel like I’ve given away too much already. I’ve already told you it’s amazing so many times. So now, I’m going to try to make you forget, so that it’s a mindboggling surprise when you hit the play button – like when you’re on a date with someone spectacular, and after nearly an hour of the best soul gazing, drinking, mind fucking and mental undressing you’ve ever done – you realize she was planning to come home with you THE ENTIRE TIME, AND she wasn’t even wearing any underwear...

So let’s get to forgetting now, shall we? Forgetting is a really important part of life. You'll practice it today, right here right now. Once you've learned the art of forgetting, you'll be really awesome and be able to forget anything or anyone unpleasant and focus and be your best self every single time, kind of like me but not as awesome - this here takes practise and persistence, m-kay? Baby steps..  

Have you ever looked at the McDonald’s sign upside down and wondered how no one else ever discovered it was just a pair of really perfect boobies upside down?

I know right? I guess now you know why you can’t say no every time you see the sign – regardless of whether you’re on a diet, it’s lent or even Good Friday, you’ve got high cholesterol, or whatever. You’re not after the Big Mac, you want boobies, upside down, like the ones you see when you're on holiday; everyone does. Okay that one was too easy, let’s go deeper. 

To be honest with you, I haven’t got any deeper – that’s all I’ve got. Honesty is my weakness, and it gets me every time. People say silly stuff like “just be yourself” and “we’re not here to judge anybody”, and my favourite, “the truth will set you free”, but nobody is ever impressed when I tell them how I really feel. In fact, remember what I told you I was doing before I decided to come to work? Of course you don't. See? you're already forgetting stuff, it's working – I said I was f*cking. But didn’t you even bother to ask yourself why anyone in their right mind would suddenly dismount, put their clothes back on and bow out  gracefully to take a walk? Absolutely insane wouldn’t you say? Well, let me explain.

A couple of days ago, me and my girlfriend went a little too far in a role playing scenario and had a little accident. To cut a long story short, she ended up in the emergency room and is kind of sort of partially sighted, but the doctor said it should clear up in a few days. He advised that we should try to keep our hands off each other for a while to avoid any complications but we couldn’t – she’s so amazing, and I’m sure I’m irresistible too. We were role playing again this morning. She was Mary Magdalene, and I was Jesus – trying to rid her of her seven notorious demons by severe spanking. It was so amazing. Everything was going smoothly and then she went and called out another man’s name right in the middle of it all. Her exact words were: “deeper, oh god!!!”. I said: “what??!” I was so steamed I didn't even take off the robe and sandals, I just left. People must have thought I was Kanye West when I walked into the office. It was so weird, but whatever. 

I was so steamed before I left her house that I felt like I had to make a statement before leaving. She couldn’t understand what she had done wrong so she followed me to the living room and tried to talk things out. Since she couldn’t see, and since I was overcome with so much anger, I wanted to do something that would really hurt her feelings the way she had hurt mine. So I… I... I kind of sort of, em… 

I "blew my own trumpet" and finished in her fish bowl. Then I sat on the couch and watched the fish eat it. She hadn’t got a clue what was going on but before I got up and slammed the door I heard her say “what’s that smell?”. I’m never calling that b*tch again. What kind of psycho b*tch calls out their boyfriend’s dad’s name in the middle of sex? WTF right?

So how was that? Have you forgotten what I said you were supposed to forget? You have, haven’t you? Damn I’m good!

Okay let’s go.

Now, this is one of those songs that’ll take you by surprise like an apple hitting you on the head under an apple tree on a fine sunny afternoon while you're thinking – you’ll totally not be expecting to hear anything like this but it will power up a light bulb in your head and give you ideas and make you realise what you've been missing.  Nope, you won't hear anything like this in this era of music. This strange era of music when you can have 50 million songs in your pocket and still be totally bored. Can you believe that sh*t? Spotify ruined everything! I keep telling everyone but nobody believes me. And you know how they can fix it? Just put back the f*cking “stop” button already. Certain things are there for a purpose. And just because you can remove them doesn’t mean you should – like: what if Marilyn Monroe had removed her mole? Or, what if Michael Jackson had NOT removed his big ass nose, he-he-he. To be honest, I totally loved that nose, it was perfectly fine – a little oily, but nothing a little cocaine wouldn’t take care of. Oops!! I meant powder. Let’s move on quickly. Where were we? Ah yes, the stop button.

There are certain things in life that make me know when the end of an activity has been reached. Like cumming – it lets me know when I’m done f*cking. And cigarette butts (or, err em, roaches), to let me know when I’m done smoking. And candlestick telephones to let me know when I’m done talking to people who are not there – instead of having them secretly follow me around in my pocket on Twitter and Facebook. And ignition keys so I can tell my car when I’m done driving – push start is cool too but still a little annoying, I want to take the key OUT. And disposable energiser batteries so I can figure out when my girlfriend is never gonna cum, that b*tch! F*ck recharging. I think you get the point anyway, everything needs a stop button or a finish line. So let’s start a petition now to get our musical lives back in order – we need a stop button Spotify! What do we want? Stop button. When do we want it? NOW!

Wait, where were we again?

Ah yes, you totally won’t be expecting to hear this type of song, but when you hit that play button and the sound hits you you’re gonna feel like Michael Jackson right before he grabs his crotch and slaps it really hard – “HEEEEEEE-HEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" 

It’s not a pop song but it’s one of those songs that has something relatable in it for everyone. I had to go way way back in the Skunk Radio Live archives for this one and you’ll thank me for it. If you don’t know already, Yung Rackz is Winston Salem, North Carolina, USA’s next big hip hop star and he’s doing really spectacular things right now in the music industry. I wanted to take you way back in time to the song that put his name on the map – the song that made his career what it is today. 

“Back In The Day” is a hip hop record about trials and tribulations. It's reminiscent of “Juicy” by the late great Notorious B.I.G, but it’s spectacular in its own way. I like to refer to it as a "Juicy" for anyone who has never owned a CD player. It's the second of two songs on the critically acclaimed debut EP “I’m 2 Much” which was originally released back in 2012/13 but later re-released around about 2021. It’s got a very sweet nostalgic vibe and a juicy beat that will carry you away into a world of your own where everything is possible if you just keep on pushing on. It’s motivational, inspirational, lyrically masterful and impactful. To be honest with you I don’t think I’ve heard a hip hop record this good since Guru’s “You Know My Steez”. If you haven’t heard “You Know My Steez” by Guru… Em… I really don’t know what to say to you. In fact I’m tempted to tell you to go away, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and just assume you’ve heard it but you just don’t know the title or who sang it. Listen to it here. It should pop up in a new window so just close it when you’re are done and then scroll down a little bit and hit the play button in the Spotify music player below to listen to this amazing Yung Rackz record I’ve been trying to tell you about. It’s an oldie but a goodie, and if you are a hip hop music fan who knows anything about hip hop then you’ll probably know instantly that it belongs in every single one of your hip hop music playlists on Spotify, Apple Music or whatever music streaming platform you use to destroy the music industry. Oops!! I meant "discover new artists and explore your favourite genres of music". Like I said before, you won’t hear a record like this anywhere else today, so make sure you share it - let’s make it go viral. 

Wait, wait, wait… My girlfriend just texted me and said her fish had twins. WTF! I’ve got to go, this is BS. I know she’s f*cking with me. I knew she could see all this time. She’s just been making me do all her typing and make her breakfast every morning, and do her daughter's maths homework, and wash her dirty underwear by hand. Oops!! I’ve said too much. Hope you enjoy the track, see you tomorrow.

Explicit.

Jesus, p*ssy, and dollars

MUSIC

ELECTRONIC REVIEWS

13-03-2023 20:03 GMT

Music by indie artist, The Watermark High on |

The Watermark High

"Feel The Flow"
Electronic


Slow thy roll.

This album should slow your brain down in all the right places if used correctly. So really Feel it, and LOVE IT.

The SRL writers room has become really competitive over the past few months. Since we are no longer allowed to include our author names or pen names, writers can only stand out by their writing styles and the contexts of their writings. There are three big topics guaranteed to get the most readers online if you are a writer, or even if you make videos, songs, or anything else. This is really serious marketing stuff I’m about to tell you so pay attention and make sure you don’t tell anyone else okay? Three big subject matters that are guaranteed to get anyone’s full attention on any given day or night, no matter the circumstance. In fact if you get up in the middle of any room at any time and just scream out any of these words people will rush over to you immediately and they'll bring their check books (or start shaking their money makers spontaneously, whichever is appropriate for the environment and/or situation). The 3 big words are DOLLARS, JESUS and P*SSY. I don’t know what the right order should be so you can rearrange them yourself and write them down so you never forget okay? 

I’m sure you’re thinking “Well, why didn’t you replace the last word with the broader term SEX. That’s less explicit and should reach more people right?” No. And that’s why you’re not the marketing expert here. I am. 

And again you might be thinking “Well, why didn’t you use the word GOD instead of JESUS, after all he’s the father right? And he is more powerful and more people know him hence he should have a bigger audience right?” Wrong! Again, who's the expert, you or me? I rest my case. 

Lastly, I’m sure you’ll also be thinking to yourself “Okay surely you could have just said MONEY instead of DOLLARS right? That’s a no-brainer”. And once again you’d be absolutely wrong. Everyone loves Dollars, money is a dirty word. 

To stand out in the SRL writers room my subject matter of choice was Jesus. Everyone totally hates me. And not because I’m a goodie-goodie but rather the opposite – I’m not a role model AT ALL, I’m shite! I’m one of those people that’ll tell you odd things you’d never expect to hear coming out of a lady's mouth plainly and directly for the sheer purpose of letting you know you I don't f* around, I don't play games and IDGA-F! (In my Bishop from "Juice" voice, he-he-he). 

I was hanging out with one of my “buddies” watching Netflix the other day (wink, wink, wink) and he casually placed his wallet on the coffee table and proceeded to crack open a can of beer or white wine or whatever we were drinking - I can’t remember, it’s all a blur now. I stopped him immediately and warned him, “Don’t do that" while waving my index finger at him side to side like he was a little kid who was being naughty. He said "What?" And I replied "I'd totally steal your credit card and buy a year’s worth of tampons if you put your wallet on the table and get drunk”. He claimed it was the weirdest thing he had ever heard, but his response was even weirder. He turned his head to the side looking confused like Nicki Minaj, as if he was thinking and said “What?! … tampons??”. I said “Yes, I don’t do crack, what else would I buy? Just don't do it okay?” 

To cut a long story short he’s not my boyfriend and I’m still looking. I totally screwed up the relationship right there and everything had been going really well. But that’s just me. It’s not like I would ever take money out of anyone’s wallet but I hate people doing stupid sh*t around me. Who the f* leaves their wallet on the table in the middle of a drink session? That’s like stopping to moon the cows in the middle of a bull run and wondering what could possibly go wrong. I know, Ouch! Right? Yikes. 

So there you have it: JESUS, P*SSY and MONEY. Let’s put it in that order, it sounds so much cooler. Make sure you use one of those the next time you need to get some attention. 

I know you’re wondering why I just told you that. WTF right? And I’ll tell you why: to get your attention. Du-uh!? I’ve just presented you with 3 of the most powerful words on the internet right now on at least 3 different occasions, I KNOW I’ve got your full attention – damn I’m good. I told you I was a marketing expert didn't I? 

The reason I emphasised the fact that you can't just replace any of those 3 words with related words willy-nilly is that the most important characteristic of a good prayer is that it is specific. Stop asking Jesus to make your whole life better, that's not specific at all. What exactly do you want to change? Not when. Not How. Not why. Just what. Stop asking for more money, or some money, or enough money, or my favourite one to laugh at: to be comfortable - are you asking for a new sofa? No, you want Dollars! So say it! Say exactly how much you want in Dollars because everyone love Dollars. Pick a number, and stick with it. And don't be ashamed to ask Jesus for money, everybody's doing it - everybody needs money, it's not just you. Another key ingredient is that it is short and simple. Don't explain it, nobody cares. What's the most important prayer in the Bible? "Let There Be Light" right? Four words. Think about your prayers and examine them. You've been doing it wrong haven't you? He-he-he. Okay I'll give you one more tip and then that's it. And I'm giving you these tips simply because I've told you I'll be talking about Jesus a lot when I write and for no other reason okay? Don't assume stuff.  Don't invite me to your church or quote Bible passages to me, that'll total f* the little relationship we are cultivating here up. The last tip is: quit asking for sh*t. Demand it like it's your already. Abundance is your divine right, you want everything you want because it's yours already. Jesus didn't say "Dear God, please give us a little bit of light so we can see boobies", or whatever he wanted to see or wanted us all to see at the time, Camel Toes maybe? I honestly don't know, I'm just saying it was short. Wait, pause - did you get that? Camel Toes? Because they used a lot of Camels back then? Click here to get to the roots of that joke if you still don't understand it. It was one of the jokes that really made people start looking up to me here in the writers room instead of looking down at my big firm breastseses every chance they got - and yes, when they're this amazing they deserve double plurals, Kim Kardashian doesn't even have these. I kind of miss those days to be honest... Now where were we? Umn-hmnn, yes; Jesus didn't say, "Dear God, we can't see anything, give us a candle please". Four words and that's all it took. So there you have it. I'm assuming you are writing that down as well right? Be specific, short, and demand it! Now let's move on. 

I’m about to hit you with an album that’ll have you more excited than two gays watching the Super Bowl on Sunday. When I say "hit you with it" I’m not saying it in the Ebonics sense, like I’m about to sell you some really good weed or something. I’m totally about to smack you with it. The album comes in both digital and physical formats so you know it MUST be good. It’s not one of those things you listen to on spotify that gets buried by 50 million songs an hour later never to be seen or heard again, in fact I hate that it’s on Spotify at all. When you hear it, you will hate that too – in fact, let’s start a petition in the comments section. I hate when an album is this good, to be honest. It makes me look bad if I don’t do it justice when I introduce it. You don’t understand. This album is hotter than bad breath, but in a good way. Okay no, scratch that. See? I'm getting it wrong already. Let’s just talk about it first and then we’ll get back to how hot it is later. 

Released on the 10th of March, 2023, just over 3 days ago, “Feel The Flow” is a very short buy highly impactful and masterful EP by critically acclaimed electronic music producer, composer and music educator, The Watermark High, who has also released music under the name Kinoh from time to time in order to explore a different creative direction from what his fans are used to. Whether you are listening to Kinoh or The Watermark High, what you can expect is always the same: that by the end of it you would have had your mind boggled and your socks will be missing. If you like soothing sounds you are in the right place and I’m glad you are here because I love soothing sounds too. I’m so excited you’re here, you’ve got me tingling all over. Let’s hit the play button together and see where it goes. If you feel like we’re having a moment, kiss me. I’ll kiss back I promise. Have you hit the play button? Can you feel that? Nice isn’t it?

For anyone who is already accustomed with the sound of The Watermark High, this is a little different. It’s much more Hip Hop than electronic music but it's still a very healthy mix of the two. Don’t let the first song “Traveller” deceive you into believing you’re in for one of those musical journeys where the mood and tempo is the same all the way though, or else by the time you reach the fourth track you’ll feel like an unsuspecting teenage girl who decided to sit on top of the washing machine to chat while uncle was washing his delicates. You’ll open your eyes really wide suddenly at the climax (wider than Nicki Minaj when she looks like she's pooped by mistake while eating a banana really slowly), and you’ll never be the same again. Don’t judge me okay? I was like13 for God's sake, how was I to know? This brings back a lot of awkward memories ("sob"), in fact I think you should leave now. Just go, now, please. And as for that kiss, forget about it, the mood is totally gone now, I can't believe you made me remember that. "Sob, sob, sob, sob, sob"

Enjoy the album. 

See you tomorrow. 

Oh and did I mention? It may also make you get extremely emotional.